Relationships are complicated. Sometimes, our words and actions lead to exactly what we don’t want—distance, frustration, or even distrust. When partners bring their own experiences and insecurities into a relationship, they may inadvertently trigger or harm one another, often without realizing it. For those with a trauma history, this effect can be even more intense, as certain behaviors might mirror past hurtful experiences. This isn’t just a relationship challenge; it can be a form of emotional harm that erodes trust and emotional safety. Here’s how common behaviors can unknowingly harm relationships, backed by psychological research and science, and examples of how these behaviors play out in everyday life.
1. The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: How Expectations Shape Reality
A self-fulfilling prophecy happens when our assumptions influence the outcome, often in unexpected ways. If someone assumes their partner will react negatively, they may approach them with defensiveness or suspicion, which can lead to the exact reaction they feared. Studies show that when we expect a negative response, we subconsciously prepare for it, creating a cycle of distrust (Merton, 1948).
Example Scenario:
Sarah worries her partner, Jake, will dismiss her concerns about their relationship. Because she’s expecting a defensive response, she brings up the topic cautiously, with a guarded tone, and avoids eye contact. Jake, sensing her unease, feels like she’s already accusing him and becomes defensive. This reaction reinforces Sarah’s expectation, creating a pattern of miscommunication and frustration.
Potential for Emotional Harm:
Over time, this dynamic can make a partner feel constantly judged or misunderstood, eroding trust. For individuals with a trauma background, the cycle of negative assumptions can reinforce feelings of vulnerability, helplessness, or distrust. Psychologist Dr. Susan Johnson has found that repeated cycles of defensive communication deepen attachment insecurities, which can lead to significant relational damage (Johnson, 2008).
Solution: To break the cycle, pause before discussing sensitive topics. Set a positive intention and try clarifying expectations with your partner, such as, “I’m hoping we can talk openly about this—I want to understand each other better.”
2. Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn: Stress Responses That Mirror Past Trauma
Our bodies have natural responses to conflict: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. For those who experienced traumatic or abusive situations, these responses can appear quickly, sometimes even before a situation warrants them. Imagine someone who witnessed intense verbal arguments growing up. When faced with a partner raising their voice, they might freeze up or retreat into silence, even if the conversation itself isn’t particularly heated.
Example Scenario:
Derek and Lisa have a disagreement about household finances. Lisa raises her voice out of frustration, and Derek goes silent, feeling overwhelmed by the raised volume. Lisa interprets Derek’s silence as disinterest or apathy, while Derek feels paralyzed, recalling the intense arguments he grew up around. Each partner reacts according to their stress responses, but neither feels understood.
Potential for Emotional Harm:
In cases where one partner “freezes” or “flees,” the other might feel ignored or stonewalled, reinforcing insecurity in the relationship. The partner withdrawing may be re-experiencing trauma-like symptoms, bringing up feelings of helplessness or reminding them of past toxic environments. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s work shows how re-triggered trauma reactions increase stress hormones, which intensify feelings of helplessness and create cycles of emotional harm (van der Kolk, 2014).
Solution: Work together to identify stress responses and find de-escalation techniques, such as agreed-upon pauses in heated moments. Simply stating, “I need a moment to calm down before continuing,” can help both partners reset without escalating the situation.
3. Projection: Unconsciously Attributing Our Own Feelings to a Partner
Projection occurs when we unconsciously assign our own emotions, fears, or insecurities to someone else. If we’re feeling uncertain or insecure, we might assume that our partner feels the same way about us. This can lead to behaviors that create friction, such as constant questioning or insecurity.
Example Scenario:
Megan feels insecure about her career and worries her partner, Alex, looks down on her because of it. Without realizing it, she starts reading disapproval into Alex’s neutral comments or advice, which leads her to become defensive or resentful. Alex feels blindsided, not understanding why Megan is suddenly misinterpreting his words. In truth, Megan’s projecting her own insecurities onto Alex, assuming he’s judging her when he isn’t.
Potential for Emotional Harm:
Repeated projection can create a sense of constant misunderstanding and blame. For individuals
with past trauma, projections can lead to feelings of inadequacy or guilt, reinforcing feelings that they’re
“always wrong” or can’t meet their partner’s standards. In their study on relationship satisfaction, Fincham and Beach (2010) found that repeated projection can harm trust and lower self-esteem in partners, damaging the emotional health of both.
Solution: Recognize and question any negative assumptions about your partner’s perspective. When in doubt, clarify: “I’m feeling insecure about my work—does it seem like you’re seeing it that way, or is that just my own worry?”
4. Interrupting or Filling Silence: How We Unintentionally Dismiss Our Partner’s Voice
Filling silence or interrupting may seem harmless, but it can signal that we don’t value what the other person has to say. For people who need more time to gather their thoughts—often because they learned in childhood that speaking up required extra caution—frequent interruptions can feel dismissive, leading them to withdraw and feel unheard.
Example Scenario:
Ben and Sarah are discussing an important decision about moving. Sarah, who grew up in a home where speaking up was often met with criticism, learned to carefully consider her responses, so she naturally takes longer pauses before replying. Ben, who’s quicker to jump into conversation, often fills these pauses with his own thoughts, assuming Sarah is disengaged or unsure. As this pattern continues, Sarah begins to share her ideas less and less, feeling that her perspective isn’t truly valued. Over time, she stops contributing her opinions, defaulting to Ben’s choices and decisions, while Ben, unaware of the harm, sees this as easygoing agreement.
Potential for Emotional Harm:
Constant interruption can lead a partner to feel minimized, as though their thoughts and voice don’t matter. For those who have experienced dismissive or neglectful relationships, being talked over repeatedly can re-trigger feelings of invisibility and unworthiness, resulting in emotional withdrawal or passive compliance. Dr. Stephen Porges’s research on social engagement shows that feeling chronically unheard activates the nervous system’s “fight or flight” response, increasing stress and harming self-esteem (Porges, 2009). Over time, this dynamic can unravel the relationship, as the partner left unheard begins to shut down emotionally, eroding trust and mutual respect.
Solution: Practice Active Silence and Patience
After asking a question, try mentally counting to five before responding or adding input. Allowing for moments of silence respects a partner’s need for reflection, fostering balanced conversations where both voices are equally valued. This simple adjustment not only builds trust but can also preserve the integrity of the relationship by creating a safe space where each person feels heard and respected.
Constant interruption may make a partner feel minimized, as though their thoughts and voice don’t matter. For individuals who’ve experienced dismissive or neglectful relationships, being repeatedly talked over can re-trigger feelings of invisibility, harming their self-esteem and diminishing emotional safety. Dr. Stephen Porges’s research on social engagement suggests that feeling chronically unheard activates the nervous system’s “fight or flight” response, increasing stress levels and feelings of low self-worth (Porges, 2009).
Solution: Practice active silence. After asking a question, mentally count to five before jumping in. This simple change respects the other person’s need for reflection and helps create a balanced conversation.
5. Attachment Styles and Re-Traumatization: How Our Own Insecurities Trigger One Another
Our attachment styles are often shaped by early caregiving experiences, and they influence how we behave in relationships. Anxious partners may seek constant reassurance, while avoidant partners may need more space. When these two styles mix, it can lead to a push-pull cycle that re-triggers insecurities in both. (And before you read any further, if you find yourself asking "What the heck is an ATTACHMENT STYLE?!", don't worry... we made an article to explain this important psychological concept here.)
Example Scenario:
Emma has an anxious attachment style, while Mark is more avoidant. Whenever Emma feels distant from Mark, she seeks reassurance by sending repeated texts. Mark, who needs space to process his thoughts, feels overwhelmed and avoids responding right away. This lack of response heightens Emma’s anxiety, making her feel abandoned, and the cycle continues, leaving both partners frustrated.
Potential for Emotional Harm:
Over time, these attachment dynamics can lead to deep-seated resentment or reinforce painful memories of past abandonment or rejection. For those with anxious or avoidant attachment patterns, this push-pull cycle can cause what psychologists call a “re-traumatization,” triggering feelings similar to early attachment wounds. This can have serious, lasting impacts not only on the relationship, but on the individual, setting them back years or even decades, and inflicting severe emotional and psychological stress.
Shaver and Mikulincer’s (2002) research on attachment theory highlights how repeated rejection or perceived abandonment amplifies relationship insecurity, creating long-lasting harm.
Solution: Openly discuss each other’s attachment needs. You can set up a routine check-in or agree on specific times to reconnect, allowing both partners to feel secure without constantly seeking or avoiding reassurance.
Long-Term Effects of Re-Traumatizing Patterns in Relationships
When these patterns go unaddressed, they can lead to long-term emotional harm. Research shows that chronic relationship distress has significant health effects, including increased anxiety, depression, and even physical consequences like elevated cortisol and inflammation (Kiecolt-Glaser et al., 2005). The partner on the receiving end may experience learned helplessness, a state where they feel unable to change or improve their circumstances, leading to emotional withdrawal. When negative patterns persist, they chip away at trust, emotional safety, and intimacy.
Healing Relationships Through Awareness and Intentional Change
The goal isn’t to blame but to bring awareness and compassion to our relationships. By
understanding our own patterns and recognizing our partner’s needs, we can avoid unintentionally creating harm. Here are some practical strategies for creating a safe, supportive relationship:
Self-Reflection: Regularly assess if assumptions about your partner’s feelings or thoughts are based on past experiences or the current relationship.
Effective Communication Tools: Practice open-ended questions, active listening, and active silence to ensure your partner feels heard.
Supportive Therapies: For couples experiencing ongoing issues, therapy can provide tools to address deep-seated attachment styles, projections, and trauma responses.
Through greater awareness and intentionality, we can create relationships where both partners feel secure, understood, and supported in building a stronger, healthier connection.
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